DIPTONGO

A short story.

Diptongo is a very nice man. The problem is he has a split personality.

On days WITHOUT the letter ‘d’ he can be very determined and forceful ruling his kingdom with an iron fist. His best friend and brother in arms had better watch out as Diptongo has one eye on his brother’s throne and one eye on his own back. You see, he is ambidextrous and imagines himself to be a chameleon. To make matters worse he kicks his football with his left foot; his right foot on Sundays. And to think they say a leopard never changes its spots!

On the other days Diptongo can be weak with a liver of lily juice. He lives in the clouds with the cuckoos. His holy residence, however, is upon the Plain of Salisbury. The Wise One told the Court that his preoccupation is with the arid, scorched earth of Almeria and that he visits his brother upon the spirit of the Sweet Stuff.

His favourite meal is shrimp soup and marshmallows washed down with a pint and a half of Bitter Sweet. On Sundays he unties his pink ribbons and drinks two hogsheads of Babysham.

Diptongo’s third cousin, Dramaticus, has, since school aspired to become a poet. However, his tutors at the Iglesia de Santa Maria in Mahon had different ideas. They said he should get a proper job as a monk in the Great Shrine of Tanzania in the foothills of Mount Kilimanjaro. Dramaticus saw a hole in the wall, through which he made The Great Escape, then plugged the hole with another brick. At the age of 61 he had become the Poet Laureate for the mighty King Obama in La Casa Blanca. It was not easy as there was stiff competition from Diptongo’s other third cousin, Egbert, from Oslo. Dramaticus managed to keep a stiff upper lip and won the Bicycle Race to La Casa Blanca.

However, I digress and this is another story for the next millennium. In the meantime The Wise One spotted another hole in the wall. He suggested to the Court of Salisbury that Diptongo, having kicked his football into touch, be spirited to the lap of King Juan of Almeria. His true love lay there regardless. Here they should be married thus cementing Anglo-Spanish relationships for the next millennium and a half. Or at least until the passing of the ozone, predicted by The Wise One, to be on the thirtieth day of February in the year of Our Lord two thousand and thirteen. King Juan and Queen Diptonga (as he became known) lived happily ever after having raised a family of five and eighty crabs, two and forty doves and a partridge in a pear tree. SOL. Silencio.

Diptongo on a recent visit to Camden Lock.

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